There is nothing covered that shall not be revealed

If you are in any doubt who the people accused of baby p's demise are please follow: 

http://pysih.com/2008/11/17/steven-barker-jason-owen-tracey-connolly/

If I take Kenny Roger's advice it looks like it's time to 'hold em'. I've been signed off for a couple of weeks - fatigue or something equally as undiagnosible and unaccountable. But, it is accurate in one way - I'm tired, dog tired. 

Stuff like this Baby P thing really gets to me. The systems and institutions in this country,paid VERY GOOD money to ensure the vulnerable are protected, are failing. It takes some poor tortured baby to grab the public's attention to cry for justice. 

I had a message from a friend today (a social worker) saying, 'Remember you have to be realistic about your ability to bring about change'. This man's a good man, but the comment has enraged me. I wrote back, "Remember- man has achieved the most when he has taken the constrictions of 'what is realistically possible' away".  It seems to me the demise of mankind is near when Joe Blogs starts to think only in terms of 'what is realistic'. People around the world are dying everyday for what they believe in, to bring about change. I don't think we always realise how lucky we are to even have the option of believing in 'realism'. 

Realistically I need a rest. I feel like I've travelled 1000 miles and forgotten why I started the journey in the first place, but as Bob Marley allegedly said, "The people who make this world worse never take a day off. So how can I". 

Hence I'm writing my blog when I'm not really in a frame of mind to be writing anything. 

There's time enough for counting

On a warm summers evening on a train bound for nowhere, I met up with a gambler, we were both too tired to sleep. So we took turns a staring out the window at the darkness till boredom overtook us, and he began to speak. 

He said, "Girl I've made a life out of readin peoples faces, and knowing what their cards were by the way they held their eyes. So if you don't mind my sayin, I can see you're out of aces. For a taste of your whiskey I'll give you some advice". 

So I handed him my bottle and he drank down my last swallow. The he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.  The night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression. Said, "If you're gonna play the game, gal, ya gotta learn to play it right". 

"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away and know when to run. You never count your money when you're sittin at the table. There'll be time enough for counting when the dealin's done". 

"Now every gambler knows that the secret to survivin is knowing what to throw away and knowing what to keep, cause every hands a winner and every hands a loser, and the best you can hope for is to die in your sleep". 

So when he'd finished speaking, he turned towards the window, crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep. Somewhere in the darkness the gambler, he broke even, but in his final words i found an ace that I could keep. 

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold em, 

Know when to walk away, know when to run. 

You never count your money when you're sitting at the table. 

There'll be time enough for counting when the dealin's done. 

I woke this morning with this song pounding in my head and couldn't get rid of it. There's obviously something my sub-concious is trying to tell me. The course is really hard at the moment and it's tired past exhausted. Hopefully, it's time to hold 'em not time to run away. I guess we'll see. 'Something's a foot' .....

The last straw - Up to my hubs in mud !!

I'm so FED UP. If I'd have known I'd spend the end of the day up to my elbows in mud I wouldn't have gone out. haha

I was dropped back to my car at 5pm tonight, at the time, feeling pleased. I'd faced the music this morning in my first lecture about uncomplete homework. Since returning to College my son's been a nightmare. He won't go to sleep until late, he's whingy, demanding, needy and I'm absolutely worn out with it all. He's not in the wrong - he's only got one parent - he's entitled to say 'Hey Mum, I'm kinda priority here'. Yet I feel stretched so energetically thin and torn.  I physically cannot do everything I have to do at the moment. I can't get my homework finished because of my son's behaviour, I'm not a good Mum at the moment because I'm desperately trying to multi-task when he should be getting my attention, his friends at school are ahead of him because their parents are able to dedicate real time to them. I couldn't feel worse. 

When considering my son's Father as a parent, 'waste of space' comes to mind.  Yet if you met him, you'd like him more than me. He's able to get on with anyone, he works with young vulnerable teenagers who have gone off the rails, he's cool, women fall at his feet, he's tough - not many people who would mess with him and he's pulling his own life together after a couple of bad years of bad luck. BUT, as a parent he's useless, he doesn't see his son, he doesn't contribute to his son's upbringing in any way, shape or form and I feel so sad for my son, deep inside. 

Anyway, back to the day, after two really interesting lectures (on celebrity culture/Obama and interviewing techniques) a friend from the course and I popped to the Imperial for lunch. The Imperial is one of those weird pubs without music, but it sells cheap beer from 9am every morning and it's always packed. There were no parking spaces so, I plonked my car on a verge and went for lunch. 

During lunch we planned to visit Phonic FM. They were looking for people interested in helping provide voice packages. I've emailed a woman called Jenna and a guy called Aaron twice to see if they wanted any free help, but it's not what your offering it's who you know. A guy on our course is friendly with the Chairman through football and he gave us the right name to contact. We went along and he was great - really helpful. Then came the first lesson of the day, he said, "Shame you didn't come along yesterday we needed someone to interview Kate Aidie". Kate Adie, the Kate Adie, KATE ADIE - just one of the reasons I even wanted to be a journalist was in WH Smith yesterday and I could have been the one interviewing her!! If I'd followed up my emails sooner I could have been talking to and interviewing one of my heroines. Oh well, let that be a lesson, I'm gutted. 

Anyway, the day wasn't all lost we'd made a good contact with Phonic FM and made ourselves known to them. I'd handed in two pieces of work to College on time, so I went back to the car to lick my wounds. 

I get into the car, figure the grass is a bit wet, better reverse out slowly, but what I hadn't banked on was that the whole lawn area's been re-turfed in the last couple of days and my car had sunk.  Anyone with half a brain-cell would have noticed this before 5pm on a dark autumnal night. 

PANICK, no DON'T PANICK... DANG! Lots of beefy, rugby playeresque guys came down the road - phew saved... NO! I'm not a size zero blonde and the damsel in distress look didn't work. Not even one offer of help. To be fair I probably look more like I should be in the scrum, not cheerleading by their side. I could probably bench press more than some of them anyway, but that's just not the point. I'm so independent sometimes and was determined to get myself out of the mud. Finding rocks/sticks I stuffed them by the front-wheels to try to get out. Even though it was front wheel drive, the hill was just too steep I'd get within inches of the road like a politician it would spin spin spin. 

Hopeless, no-one to call, got to get back for my son within the hour, I know nothing about cars or getting them out of the mud and the more I try to get out, the more the stupid thing buried itself like a mad mole on vodka, Red Bull. 

Anyhow, long story short I have parents who are silent hero's.  Dad left work, brought rope and he and I pulled me and the car out of the mud. Mum picked up my son. So, apart from being covered head to toe in mud ha, as always, it was alright in the end. :)

The Offensive Truth: Remembrance Sunday

In a week where we see the first black president elected, on the day three Islamic militant men were put in front of a firing squad and executed (for the October 12th,2002 Bali bombings) and during the two minutes silence for Remembrance Sunday - Truth seems a good subject to think about. 

Why does the truth offend? 

I have always been someone who believes in truth and felt safe in the fact that my truth has been based on facts and often been close to the actual truth. Lately, I have on occasion been wrong and come to question that safety. Trying to get into Journalism 'the truth' seems an important area to explore in myself, people and the world. Have people created truth? or is truth something we are trying to grasp a hold of? If we go down the line that everybodys truth is different then how can there be any truth? What is truth? Is it fact, reality, commonly held belief, certainty? 

The Oxford English and Cambridge Dictionaries record truth to mean ...

1 the quality or state of being true 

2 (also the truth) that which is true as opposed to false (mmm helpful) 

3 a fact or belief that is accepted as true. 4 the facts about a situation, place or person. 

A fact is defined as ... Something which is known to have happened or to exist, especially something for which proof exists, or about which there is information. 

So even the Dictionary doesn't, for me, exactly define truth - even fact uses that which is known, going back to the truth being something the human race holds within itself. For example climate change - 'global warming' either is or isn't happening to this planet, people are desperately trying to prove it either way. The truth we know today will be different to the truth we know in 50 years time. So even what we define as facts or truth are not always accurate when put under the test of time.  After all, the world used to be flat. 

So back to why does the truth offend...  

The truth has consequences (good or bad).  It can be used to allocate blame or show the darker side of society/a person. Sometimes the truth offends because it can expose people or their illusions, what they have done or said. The truth defends action and opinion. 

Regardless of its positivity or negativity the truth asks us to change our thoughts and behaviour. Is it wrong to kill? My mind says yes, but I am behind and support the brave men and women who have fought and are fighting in HM Forces. If we say it is wrong to kill where does that leave our soldiers fighting and dying in wars abroad? 

Alberto Villoldo, Ph.D. said, "You can only find truth if you seek it for yourself, for the truths of history are the truths of others. But truth is like a mirage in the desert. For us, the task is not to chase the truth, but to create it. Truth is a stance, an act of power that you bring to all your actions. Truth is what the person of knowledge brings to every moment". 

http://www.thefourwinds.com/about-alberto-villoldo.htm

This isn't meant to be conclusive, just a few thoughts.  In the main, all I can conclude is the truth seems ever changing and all I can do is to strive to ensure the information I hold as my truth is as informed as it can be at the time and encourage those who enforce, report or print the truth to do the same. 

A last note on truth ...  

be careful what you think, it can become what you know, 

be careful what you know, it can become what you say,

be careful what you say, it can become what you do, 

be careful what you do, it becomes your destiny. 

Weblinks to online dictionaries:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article5114539.ece 

(Execution just after Midnight, Java. Nov 9th, 2008. Just after 5pm UK. Nov 8th, 2008) 

www.askoxford.com/?view=uk

http://dictionary.cambridge.org/

AM Project Meeting 04/11/08 Thoughts

We actually got together for our second meeting last Tuesday. We met at the Imperial, a quietish pub without music and the only one that has round tables.  A good mix as, it's only my perception, but people seemed to be a bit wary.  After all the emails that have been flooding round I was interested to see how the day would pan out. 

We waited for about half an hour for people to arrive, get drinks, order food etc - all the usual necessities. Then eventually dived right in. There was no agenda, but it seemed to flow fairly well. 

I haven't really been able to work it out, but there's been some awkwardness in the group. When the group task was announced I thought, 'Oh No, we'll never get it together to agree on anything'. As the time progressed on people have really worked at trying to get along. Some have quite a strong view of how the final product should look, but this hasn't been explored properly at present. 

Back to the meeting... after some pussy footing around we got to the one of the 'Elephants in the room'. For anyone who hasn't heard this it just means a huge issue which everyone can see yet no-one mentions because no-one wants to talk about it or have confrontation. 

The elephant.. whether we have one narrator telling the whole story or whether we have a narrator and some presenters. This has been a huge issue for some reason. One person does not want presenters at all, other people only want certain people to present and some people want everyone to present. 

My interest has been what are the real issues behind this. We have had conflict because there are two agenda's to making the documentary: we have different priorities when we all have to gain equal input into the documentary than if we were just making a good documentary. Some people don't want to be in it, but want to be able to hand the recording to a future employer and say, 'look this is partly my work'.  For my part I'm probably seen as an overweight, middle-aged mum not unlike Dawn French and I can understand that If you want to present your product to a young music magazine or programme - the fat lady singing is not going to get you the job.  I do understand this point of view, but the other part of me rebels at the prejudice. Needless to say I didn't opt for a presenters role in this instance and bowed out of it as I couldn't stand anymore of the awkwardness. I have the independent study to complete this part with. 

Prior to the meeting one of the group emailed everyone and suggested myself for Editor, but it wasn't brought up at the meeting. I am happy to be a team player, so it makes no real odds. 

Agreed elements: 

Deb - Farmers Market

Jaime - Vox pops

James - Independent Stores & Shops

Steve - Independent Stores & Shops

Luke - Devon County Council

Initially I agreed to do an element on Princesshay, this was soon cut up and boiled down to organising an interview with Land Securities. This interview is significant because up till now it is known that Land Securities don't give interviews and it couldn't be filmed till the end of the project because we need all the other information before we can go to interview.  The long and short is I ended up with an interview at the end of the project which may never happen. 

I would point out at this point that these are my feelings, I am entitled to them, but I may not be correct in my assumptions of how others have thought or acted. 

I went to the toilet to have a think ... why do we do that, perhaps it's being closer to water or just needing a bit of privacy or something . I decided I wouldn't be left in a situation where I felt marginalised. So, I came back and said I'll do an interview with the Job Centre, a local training provider and a recruitment agency.  I feel whether Exeter has gained jobs from the Princesshay project is an important point. 

We spoke about the website. I mentioned including methodology - 'How we did it'. This seemed to be taken as a good idea. 

The meeting went on for approximately two hours.  We agreed to have a narrator - James and two presenters - Steve and Deborah. There was some discussion about what to film and when (see minutes 04/11/08). 

All seemed to leave happy. 

All Subjects Update Writers Block

When I wasn't doing this course I would often put fingers to keyboard and write, comment on the web, send emails etc.  Now I have actually got what I wanted - to be learning how to be journalist I can't write a thing. 

I have writers block today, I'm not being lazy - I really want to get on with some homework and write some articles, but each time I sit down to do it either nothing comes out or I spend time floating from emails to the internet re-reading the tasks and feeling completely overwhelmed with what we have to do not just this year, but what I have to do before I return to college in four days time. I feel like I can't do it and instead of starting something I'm procrastinating. Even opting to do my blog rather than some work. Time to get on with it....